Where do we go from here: a look at The Grammy’s and the music collaboration between Rihanna and Chris Brown

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Many people are focused on the collaboration between Chris Brown and Rihanna—but for a moment I would like to step back in time and redirect our attention to the underlying message which was sent when the decision was made to spotlight Chris Brown at The Grammy’s.

Ken Ehrlich—the Executive producer of The Grammy’s said the following when he was interviewed by ABC about the decision to bring Chris Brown to the stage:

“I think people deserve a second chance, you know,” Ehrlich said. “If you’ll note, he has not been on the Grammy’s for the past
few years and it may have taken us a while to kind of get over the fact that we were the victim of what happened.” He went on to say that “what (Brown has) done to reclaim his career and seemingly the kind of person that he has become makes him — I don’t even want to use the word eligible — but you know, it’s time.”

…and here all along I thought Rihanna was the victim of what Brown had done…

The aforementioned decision placed Chris Brown on a platform that would reach 39 million viewers.
—39 MILLION VIEWERS—
In his own words Ken Ehrlich feels Chris Brown deserves a second chance. That decision was in part made (according to the article) because Rihanna said this:

“It’s incredible to see how he pulled out of it the way he did … I really like the music he’s putting out … I’ve always been a fan … I’m really excited to see the breakthrough he’s had in his career. I would never wish anything horrible for him … I never have.”—Rihanna

Here’s one of the problems…by choosing to place Chris Brown on a stage viewed by 39 million people the message The Grammy’s sent in part was this: “It’s time to move on—forget the past.” And to Chris Brown: “We value your career and the fact that you have reclaimed it more than we value how you treat a woman you love.” And finally to Rihanna: “You were partly to blame for not showing up to the Grammy’s in 2009 but…thanks for “still being a fan” now we can go back to business as usual—making money.”

Maybe there are a lot of people who don’t want to talk about the raw and utter truth of what happened in the car that night—and perhaps there are people who want to focus on the fact that Chris Brown complied with the mandates imposed on him by the justice system therefore we all need to “get over it.” And maybe there are people who sincerely believe he deserves a second chance just as Ken Ehrlich spoke of.
But what did that decision say to our children? What are the conversations we need to be having now?

While discussing this subject with my own kids my 15 year old son asked this question:

“What has Chris Brown done to demonstrate he actually has remorse or has learned from what he did….and outside of what
was required of him mom–like take Michael Vick, he went to jail, he paid his fine, AND he started a non-profit for abused animals…”

It is an important question. There was an apology—but has he really done anything to make a difference—not that I am aware of. Does he have to? No. Would it be great if he truly could at some point turn his lessons learned into real tangible action, yes, but recent events don’t leave me all that hopeful…

Here are some stark facts: Chris Brown was charged with California Penal Code 422, which in laymen’s terms is, the code that states the defendant threatened to kill the victim, he is right now on probation and will be for two more years. In March of 2011, while in the studio of Good Morning America, Chris Brown had a violent outburst after being questioned about his past; the result of that outburst was Chris Brown broke a window with a chair.

After the Grammys Chris Tweeted the following message to his haters:

“HATE ALL YOU WANT BECUZ I GOT A GRAMMY Now! That’s the ultimate FUCK OFF!”

And as we learned the following morning many young women tweeted messages that stated they would welcome a beating if it meant being with Chris. And his response (to the best of my knowledge) was to meet them with silence.
Underneath all of this confusion there are countless calls for dialogue with each other, young people and ourselves:

How do we affect change when it comes to media messages?
How can we “vote” with our dollars and or, our actions?
What role does forgiveness have in our lives?
What does a healthy relationship look like?
What is victim blaming?
What can a person who has perpetrated violence do to earn forgiveness and second chances?
Should we expect celebrities to be role models?
Do the words in music matter?

Rihanna and Chris Brown are a trending topic… I agree so wholeheartedly with Jane Randal, director of The Love Is Not Abuse Coalition, in her interview with MTV ACT when she says the following in response to the argument “that Rihanna and Chris have grown since 2009, and if they have gotten over it, we all should, too.”

“To see people be so dismissive of what happened is distressing,” she said. “It makes me think that nothing has really been ‘learned’ from the situation.”–Jane Randal

Truly we are all still learning… I just truly hope it won’t, in the end, be at the expense of another life—whether it be Rihanna’s or one of the
countless young people who look up to her…when people hurt from domestic violence…we all suffer, when people die from domestic violence; there are no second chances.

I would love to hear from you…what other topics will help people, young and old alike, navigate through the countless messages landing on them?

Please visit my resource tab and learn more about organizations working to end teen dating and domestic violence.

Last, my sincere thanks to Melissa Wardy of Pigtail Pals who helped uncork this conversation on her Facebook Page great insight and thought has been shared by many of those gathered there, this is the sort of dialogue that I feel truly makes a difference.

What we choose to forget

Is it just me or do we American’s have the shortest memories on the planet?

February 8, 2009 may not ring a bell for you… but I’d like to share a story and maybe after you finish reading it, you will understand what I mean about what we choose to forget.

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Her fists slammed onto the dashboard—she admits she was enraged—something from earlier that evening, a flirtation? An indiscretion? We will never know. And really? It does not matter.

He pulled over, reached across her, opened the door and tried to push her from the car but to no avail. She had a safety belt on.

Imagine her—close your eyes and picture it—for her protection from an accident she is strapped into the seat. But, what she was about to experience would be no accident.

Because he couldn’t shove her from his vehicle, he slams her head into the passenger window. The violation now ringing through her head she turns to him and with his closed fist he punches her in the left eye. And then he begins to drive again. Only while driving? He continues to punch her viscously.

Her mouth fills with blood—she can’t hold it in—it splatters all over her clothing and the car. His assault slows down and in that moment she reaches for the visor, flips it down…a swelling eye, puffed up lips, scrapes of torn flesh…stare back at her.

When someone beats you there are moments, in fact they may be recorded seconds, which slow down almost as if they were being controlled by a movie engineer. And I imagine her—in those exact split seconds her mind registering the damage thinking these words—there is no way I can hide this.

“When we get home I am going to beat the shit out of you! You wait and see!” His words crack into the silence. She grabs her phone—pushes a number which connects to an unanswered phone but, she pretends it is answered: “I am on my way home…make sure the cops are there when I get there.”
“You just did the stupidest thing ever, now I am really going to kill you!” and the violence, having caught its breath, begins again.

She interlocks her fingers behind her head, brings her arms together enveloping her already pulverized face and bends toward her lap in an effort to protect her face. The barrage of punches continues all over her left arm, where later, a massive contusion on her left triceps, will be documented.

Her boyfriend backs off. And again she makes an effort with her phone—this time a text message. He grabs the phone from her, throws it out the window onto the street, stops the car, and she scrambles to undo her seat belt and opens the car door desperately wanting to get to her phone.

Again I imagine her—cleaving to the notion that the phone somehow is going to offer her the protection the seat belt could not.

—But, he screeches from the stopped position causing the door to once again slam shut.

Did time slow down again?…

She notices his cell phone on his lap—with her left hand she grabs the phone. With his right arm, while driving, he puts her in a head lock….she feels the car swerving, she can’t move, her head now so close to him he can, and does, bite her right ear—again he stops the car. He releases her. She reaches for and grabs the keys from the ignition. She sits on the keys. He begins punching her all over yelling for the keys. Again he puts her in a head lock only this time he has the front of her throat between his bicep and forearm where he applies pressure and she can’t breathe.

SHE CAN’T BREATHE!

Somehow she manages to get her left hand to his face and attempts to gouge at his eyes. He bites her again—this time catching her ring and her middle finger between his teeth. He releases her.

She removes her shoe and begins to bang at the window in an effort to break it. He punches her all over…she turns, puts her back up against the passenger door and puts her feet onto him trying to shove him away from her…he continues to punch at her feet and legs—more bruises. She pushes her door open and begins to scream—she screams into the midnight air for help.

And in that moment all the worry about what people will say, think and do, is sucked out of the atmosphere…she is fighting for her life.

He exits the car, walks to the passenger side and attempts to shut the door—she pushes it back open and continues her screaming.
Not able to close the door he begins punching her arm…she continues to scream.

He stops walks to the driver side and he yells. “WHERE ARE MY FUCKING KEYS?!”

Where are my fucking keys. Not: what have I done…but, “WHERE ARE MY FUCKING KEYS?”

He looks for his keys all while she is screaming…but of course he doesn’t find them…she is sitting on them. Now he goes back to the driver side, and get this, he takes a pack of his CD’s and he walks away.

He takes his CD’s?

And that’s when the cops show up. They look for him but do not find him.

They document all of their observations—the abrasions, contusions, the blood splattered all over the car. They take photographs, pictures of her, pictures she will later wish had never been taken, pictures of the car we will never see. She complains of pain, but the cops don’t get her
medical assistance, she later will seek medical treatment at Cedar Sinai, but in those moments she is questioned, observed, documented.

And it all unfolds from there…hours later the world will learn that this wasn’t someone we have never heard of it was Rihanna. And the man who beat her, bit her, threatened to kill her, was none other than Chris Brown. Chris Brown whose fist and large ring tore at Rihanna repeatedly and without any mercy. Chris Brown who cut the oxygen off from Rihanna’s throat—yes, that Chris Brown.

The same Chris Brown who was charged with California Penal Code 422 , in layman’s terms: the code that states the defendant threatened
to kill the victim. The same Chris Brown who pled guilty to assault charges and whose sentencing was five years of probation and to spend more than 1,400 hours in “labor-oriented service” and 52 hours in domestic violence training.

Fast forward to February 12, 2012 or The ”what we choose to forget” part: The same Chris Brown, who is not yet finished with his probation terms, is one of the key attractions at the Grammy’s—on a stage performing for millions of people—a platform that was given to him by The Grammy Foundation, the advertisers and the countless fans.

Excuse me? What?

Later we learn about Matt Stoperas’ article, 25 Extremely Upsetting Reactions to Chris Brown at the Grammy’s, which highlights Twitter feeds of girls who welcome a beating from Chris Brown. Yes, the same Chris Brown who threatened to kill Rihanna and beat her repeatedly.

February is National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month—the alarming trend in the tweets reveals the staggering lack of awareness among youth. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, glamorous about fighting for your life.

There is no amount of good looks, talent, fame, or wealth that makes up for the humiliation, fear, betrayal and permanent affect on a psyche that abuse in a relationship has. The victim blaming rolls from the lips of young people struggling to make sense of a syndrome which has been normalized by our half asleep, amnesiac culture.

If you do nothing else today—I beg of you—take the time to open up a conversation about Chris Brown and Rihanna, victim blaming, relationship abuse and our seemingly forgetful nation, with your teen.

You may think I am being dramatic…think again…reach out to any of the foundations listed on my Organizations Working to End Dating Violence resource page. Ask them, they know, each one of those families buried their daughter after she was murdered by a guy who claimed to love her.

Note: the brain image Photograph: Howard Sochurek/ Corbis

Overcoming fear and denial: teen dating violence and parenting

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It’s National Teen Dating Violence Prevention and Awareness Month so what’s a parent to do?

I speak with parents all the time and the number one thing I hear from them is this:

“I really don’t worry about my kids being in an abusive relationship, they haven’t been raised with abuse in the home.”

–And from there I do my level best to share how I understand the love they are surrounding their kids with because like their children, I too was enveloped in a loving environment while growing up. But, all the love in the world did not protect me from nearly losing my life at the hands of a young man who claimed to love me.

Abuse does not discriminate–it does not care how you were raised, by whom or how much money you have.

As a late teen my greatest gift was my capacity to be a loving, caring and nurturing person. I had a strong desire to help people who had difficulties–all wonderful attributes; attributes that would later be the very thing that would hold me hostage in a relationship where I would nearly be killed, a relationship with a young man who needed rescue, help, or in short: to be “fixed” and at that time in my life, I thought I could handle it. I was painfully alone and devastated by the thought that if I told my parents, they would know I wasn’t all that they hoped I would be.

Imagining your child as a victim of relationship abuse is nothing short of horrifying…I get it, today I am a parent of three children ranging from 14-24…but crawling into a place called denial does not make the possibility any less real. The best way to overcome fear is to arm ourselves with information…with that I offer 6 easy ways for parents to get their arms around the issue of Teen Dating Violence which affects countless young people ranging in age from 16-24 daily:

1. Download the FREE Love Is Not Abuse iPhone App The app is loaded with resources, simulations and answers to your questions.

2. Get the Love is Not Abuse Fast Facts and learn the Warning Signs.

3. Join the Love is Not Abuse Coalition and support legislation in your State which will require healthy relationship and teen dating violence education for students in school.

4. Let your local schools know your interest in learning more about Teen Dating Violence ask that they host an event with a guest speaker to address parents and teens. Let them know that The Love is Not Abuse Coalition has free curriculum for their faculty to download and teach from.

5. Learn from other people’s experience by reading books like Tornado Warning, A Memoir of Teen Dating Violence and Its Effect on a Woman’s Life A Mom’s Choice Gold Award Recipient in the adult book category for 2011. Read it in your book club where you can discuss with other parents what you may do to support your own children.

6. Begin the conversation today with your teen, share resources like the “Test Your Knowledge Quiz“.

Transparency is so vital in our relationships with our children–remember what it was like to be their age–you also craved your independence and wanted nothing more than for people to see you as capable. Invite them to share what they feel, reserve your judgement, help them express what they are going through and invite them to explore their options with you. Let your kids know you understand how they feel, make sure they know that no matter what they may encounter there is nothing they could ever experience that would disappoint you, they have to know that you are a safe haven unwavering in your love for them.

The only way we will end relationship abuse is to meet it head on…that requires us to discuss it openly just as we have opened our heart to countless other important issues.

Freedom of thought

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The old saying goes “you are what you eat” yet lately I have been pondering another aspect of what I am.

My soul is fed on the thoughts which roll through my mind and most days they serve me well, yet there are days when what I think becomes noise, a noise which reaches a decibel so loud it is all but deafening. As part of an exercise to reach for the metaphorical volume control knob lodged deep within the confines of my cerebral cortex, I found myself tripping over a repeated message: You are what you think.

“You are what you think.” And much like a Warhead Candy whose sour taste urges one to bite rather than endure the burst of sour infiltrating the tongue, the words slowly dissolve and give way to an even more powerful epiphany, “you are what you think and you have the freedom to choose.”

The Freedom to Choose: I think of Nelson Mandela, Mother Teresa, Mohamed Gandhi, the most iconic of thought leaders.

And then my mind drifts to another thought leader…although I have only met her once she made a lasting impression on me because she had been a victim of bullying–but she refused to wear the shoes of a victim, instead she tightened up her own solid boots and gave birth to an organization which would become synonymous with the very thing the world needs more of: We Stop Hate. Since meeting Emily-Anne Rigal two plus years ago I have watched this shining star grow brighter and brighter and brighter, she posts inspiration in the way of quotes, pictures and short videos all of which play in the field of: You are What You Think.

I was inspired to gather images Emiy-Anne has collected and make a short video dedicated to her. It is called Freedom and pays homage to the sorts of thoughts that simply make me feel better when the chatter of my mind is wrestling for attention. Thank you Emily-Anne…the world feels your brightness and you are making a difference.

Stake a claim on your life

“The day I saw myself as a victor of my own life I ended my victimhood: there is life after domestic violence…claim it and make it your own.” -Elin Stebbins Waldal

Staking a claim on my own life, for me, took some doing. What so many people don’t know is leaving an abusive relationship is really the first of many steps. In the infancy of my emancipation from Derrick I was riddled with self doubt and loathing–in fact the burden I felt was so heavy that every step I took was exhausting. I recall literally feeling as if the only way to survive would be to sleep…yet sleeping as a long term solution was not viable.

Once I pushed back the proverbial cover and surrendered to my new found nakedness a shift took place. I had spent years under the blanket of secrecy, the shedding of that cover opened my heart to the notion that I was in fact liberated from pain. The shame I had become tangled in was thankfully not validated by the people in my life who believed in me, no matter how insurmountable my anguish appeared, they continued to hold up a picture where everything they saw in me was sketched. And when doubt threatened to push me back down…there was a believer standing beside me with a tight grasp of my hand.

The therapists I saw supported my quest to unlock my own answers…after all, the paradigm I left behind had convinced me I was unworthy of expression…reclaiming my voice took work, and it took trusting myself along with the individuals around me. Trust did not come easily to me I had been beaten down and robbed of my core sense of who I was.

Shedding the horrific skin of victimization and growing a layer of love to cloak myself in gave me strength.

Over time I was able to step out of the victim shoes and into the victors. Intellectualy although I knew I was free, until I truly felt my own power and freedom, was I truly set free.

If you or someone you love is caught in the vise of abuse–there is help: call the hotline and learn about the countless resources available: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)