It is not only time to talk: It is time to empower future generations

Hosted by Liz Claiborne, Inc. and partners, this December 8, 2011, will mark the eigth annual “It’s Time to Talk Day” –a national day of dialogue and awareness on domestic violence, sexual assault and teen dating abuse. Held at the Liz Claiborne headquarters in New York City, the event will gather thought leaders, and match them with an array of radio station hosts and writers to share perspective about an all too often hidden syndrome. It’s time to Talk Day is an incredible way to begin the conversation about abuse in relationships of all kinds, it helps to seed the idea that we owe it to our future generations to create solutions which will lead to the promotion of healthy relationships and eradicate abuse.

As a mother I understand the fears associated with imagining ones child being abused, as an adult survivor of teen dating violence I know that fear based parenting empowers nothing other than more fear, as an advocate I can only hope that others may tune in and perhaps hear for the first time that each of us have a role to play in ending the epidemic of domestic violence.

Anyone who has a child in their life perhaps can relate to the desire one feels to protect…often we imagine our love as a shield which will keep them from harm, but when it comes to relationship abuse? Love simply isn’t enough…

“As parents, what can we do to prepare our children for the cruelty that exists? We zip our children into a proverbial full-body wet suit lined with life’s eruditions, a neoprene triple layer fabric of wisdom to ward off hypothermia, scrapes, and snares. We smear UV70 sunblock across their faces, hands, and feet as if our mere touch and each application will prevent the ruthless incursion of any future cancer.

I can no more imagine one of my children experiencing violence than I can orbit the moon. I hear myself thinking things such as, “Over my dead body,” or “I’d kill the person who lays a finger on anyone of them.” But all that bravado gives way to an utterance, a borderline beseeching that re-states how I can handle it: Send the tough stuff to me…please keep them safe…let them be strong from all that they do, not what they endure.

Protect, safeguard, shelter, save, harbor—yet in the long run protection is not enough. We can’t just keep our children in a bubble. We need to build their strengths, sharpen their tools, let them own their triumphs as well as their mistakes. We need to help them understand the gravity of their own words and actions before they hurt another person. We need to raise them to be good people, strong people, contributing people, and all that potential is predicated upon their own self-confidence. For in due course, we must open our hands in a wave, catch our breath as these independent creatures slip into the world’s water. We find ourselves praying silently that this child of ours has what it takes to navigate safely.”

-Excerpt from, Tornado Warning, A Memoir of Teen Dating Violence and Its Effect on a Woman’s Life

No, we cannot put our children in a bubble. As adults, regardless of how a child in our life is connected to us we are charged with fostering love, respect and confidence. As we think about girls and boys in our efforts to end teen dating violence how might we serve them?

To begin with they absolutely must understand their own personal boundaries and learn that if they are crossed, they are not at fault and have the right to speak up. Our kids must know that no matter what comes their way we are there for them. We will listen, believe and are capable of loving them no matter what they may experience.

Our ability to demonstrate trust, honesty, and exhibit the value in respecting an individual’s emotional and physical safety is paramount to their learning firsthand what healthy feels, looks, and sounds like. And we have to educate them about abuse and the many hats it wears.

Incidences of Teen Dating Abuse are unexpectedly high. Nearly 1 in 3 report actual sexual abuse, physical abuse, or threats of physical abuse. Nearly 1 in 4 have been victimized through technology, and nearly 1 in 2 teens in relationships report being controlled, threatened, and pressured to do things they did not want to do. ¹

I can’t help but think of the love the majority of parents have for each of their children—if we are willing to lay our life on the line for them—why do we struggle to realize that empowerment is derived when we share our knowledge; we must make ourselves open for conversations…even if the topic makes us uncomfortable or triggers our own emotions.

In the 2009 survey conducted by Liz Claiborne, Inc. and Family Violence Prevention Fund the results showed the following:

Despite its prevalence, dating abuse remains hidden and is not being talked about by teens and parents.

74% of sons and 66% of daughters say they have not had a conversation about dating abuse with a parent
in the past year.
Only 28% of teens say they have had a conversation about dating abuse with Mom, and fewer than half as many (13%),
say they have had a dating abuse conversation with Dad.
The frequency of parent-teen conversations about the topic of abuse pales in comparison to that of other tough issues.

While fewer than 1 in 3 (31%) teens have talked to parents about dating abuse in the past year, more than 6 out of 10 teens have had a conversation
with a parent in the past year about:²

Drugs (71%)
Alcohol (71%)
Sex (64%)

Furthermore the study also revealed:
Nearly two-thirds of parents (63%) whose children have been in a dating relationship say dating violence and abuse have not been a problem for their
teens, but the data shows otherwise.

Parents are unaware of specific types of abuse that their teens are experiencing.³

% of teens who say they’ve been a victim of the following in a relationship:

Controlling behaviors: 47%, Tech Abuse: 24%, Verbal Abuse: 19%,

Sexual Abuse: 17%, Physical Abuse: 12%

Compared to:

% of parents who are unaware of abuse in teen’s relationship:

Controlling Behaviors: 67%, Tech Abuse: 82%, Verbal Abuse: 88%,

Sexual Abuse: 90%, Physical Abuse: 90%

It is time that we include relationships on the list of topics to have conversations with our children about. Whether you are a parent, a guardian, or a concerned citizen: we cannot afford another day of complacency—teens and young adults are dying at the hands of their boyfriends and girlfriends. Sending our kids into the world of intimate relationships without providing any clear cut understanding of their personal boundaries, or education about what healthy looks like, and what abuse in a relationship is; is equivalent to placing our teenager in a pilot’s seat and asking them to fly a plane across the country without any instruction or the benefit of control tower operators.

Please join the conversation on December 8th, not only is it time to talk: It is time to empower future generations with tools and instruction on how to use them. They simply must know they are entitled to their personal and emotional safety…their life may depend on it.

Information and resources.

References 1,2,3: Liz Claiborne/Family Violence Prevention Fund 2009 TDV Survey

Photo credit: Tracey Weingarten