I (don’t) Love the Way You Lie (Part 2)

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After a great deal of contemplation, and interviewing all three of my children, I have arrived at several conclusions about the Love the Way You Lie video:  

1. There is absolutely nothing glamorous about being under another person’s power—not one single thing.

 This is a poem that I wrote after the relationship with my abuser ended.  

Upon My Devotion   

Upon my devotion
you spread your anger
with the world
I now suffer  

You thought you were safe             
or perhaps you thought
I wouldn’t stop kidding myself  

Memories well up                                                    

Self Portrait - Age 19

your ice-green eyes bulging
your once soft hands
twisting,
shoving,
pinning my body…my mind  

Close to three years fear bound me to you
Fear of being alone,    

fear of losing
all I have invested in “US”  

Close to three years            

I was the butt
of your anger
-my instinct was first to protect you-
I believed in your promises  

My belief has deteriorated
and an even greater fear
has pulled me away  

Losing sight of myself
I always put you first  

I leave you yes
but that is a far less sacrifice
then leaving myself
I am not capable of being
responsible for you and me both  

This time…
I choose me
Forever  

-Elin Stebbins-age 19  

 

 

“There was nothing alright about my pain

I did not like the way it hurt

The countless times I was left sobbing myself to sleep after being physically, mentally, and sometimes sexually violated, robbed me of the ability to trust for a very long time…

And last, there was not one part of the lies that I was told that I loved—not one part.” -Elin Stebbins Waldal

 

There have been countless articles written about the video/song, I am yet another voice among them. I believe that no one can dictate how another person expresses their recovery—in my estimation both Eminem and Rihanna are expressing their own revival, they are artists tapping into the best possible means to express themselves: music and video.  

I get it…almost.  

2.    A Look at Rihanna

Last year Rihanna in a 20/20 interview with Diane Sawyer said this:

“I am strong, this happened to me. I didn’t cause this. I didn’t do it. This happened to me and it can happen to anybody. I am glad it happened to me cause now I can help young girls who are going through it.” –Rihanna

 

 

I get that completely. I have said those words almost verbatim…helping young people understand that they deserve a life free from violence—well it is incredible. When I leave a high school after speaking with students? I am inspired! The conversations are raw, the epiphanies are many, the sharing takes courage, the desire to create change is nothing short of a dream come true.

 ”I had an abusive relationship and I have been out of it for a year and a half and listening to her story I learned that I’m not alone and there are people I can talk too.” -Feedback from a High School Student after hearing my LoveSTRUCK presentation

         

 

“People may not always believe what you say, but they will always believe what you do.” -Author Unknown

Rihanna pictured with her "Shhh..." tattoo

“When I realized that my selfish decision of love could result into some young girl getting killed? I could not be easy with that part. I could not be responsible for telling them to go back. Even if Chris never hit me again, who’s to say their boyfriend won’t. Who’s to say that their boyfriend won’t kill these girls. These are young girls and I cannot. I just didn’t realize how much of an impact I had on these girls lives until that happened, that was a wake-up call. It was a wake-up call for me—big time.” -Rihanna

 

Celebrity or not Rihanna is a human being, she fell in love, the relationship was not healthy—she ended it, and she used her voice to speak out. When she chose to speak out, she took a stand.

She is right girls die, and so do boys—dating violence can lead to death.

 

 

So that was last year. My question to her is this: if this was a wake-up call as she stated, then what might she, (along with Eminem) because of who they both are, knowing how many eyes are watching…have done differently?

Why didn’t they take this opportunity to include a Public Service Announcement and educate people?

OR, Given Rihanna’s self-described “wake-up call,” why wouldn’t she insist on it?

Let me repeat her words…

“I just didn’t realize how much of an impact I had on these girls lives until that happened, that was a wake-up call. ”-Rihanna

 

3.    My own Children

My son Kodiak believes that Eminem has gone through great pains to re-invent himself, Kodiak thinks this video is an expression of what his life was—not who he is. When I asked him, he did feel that  a PSA would have been a great idea, but he was sceptical about how many people would watch it. My daughter Chandler feels that the song is just a song, despite the grim message she believes that kids really aren’t listening to the words for clues on how to live. She was bugged (once I told her about the 20/20 interview) that Rihanna didn’t insist on a PSA. And my son Max felt that the art form is important but agreed that a PSA easily could have been incorporated. All three of them see this as a missed opportunity to teach, to reach out to the people who would listen. SO, that leads me back to….

4.    Responsibility

 

“… when you have the ability to reach millions of people because of who you are- then by default- there is an enormous responsibility that accompanies that privilege.”

Celebrities have the power to reach millions of people. They actually earn a living by reaching those millions of people. There are countless platforms for them to cast a net into the world waters and scoop up millions of people: interviews, books, videos, music, movies, radio…just to name a few.

 

As of this moment the Love the Way You Lie video has been viewed 71,265,990 times. Just to put that in perspective, the approximate population of California is 36,457,549.

Even if 1% of the viewers watched a PSA, that would equal 712,659. That’s A LOT of people.

In my estimation (and I am not alone) there is a responsibility that was ignored—the responsibility exists because of who the players are, and what the video and song depict.

People have argued that the video demonstrates reality. They say it shows what the cycle of violence looks like…

5. Solution

it only takes 33 seconds to say:

 

National Domestic Violence Hotline:

1-800-799-SAFE ~ 1-800-799-7233