I (don’t) Love the Way You Lie (Part 1)

Just to be clear? I have never paid any attention to Eminem…at all, and I am 100% positive he hasn’t a clue who I am either. Those minor details aside, for the first time in my life I actually wish I had the ability to reach a celebrity on the phone and have a real conversation. A conversation that would seek to understand rather than judge, and weave perspective for both of us into our respective minds. If it were possible I would gladly welcome the opportunity to sit on a couch and speak with Eminem.

Of this much I can be sure, Eminem, formerly known as Marshall Bruce Mathers III, is working out his past through music and video. What I can’t be sure of is if it leaves him feeling liberated from his pain or tortured by it—and really? Maybe it’s none of my business how his past lands on him, or his present for that matter, or anything that has anything to do with what he thinks or feels. But he is a celebrity and with that comes the weight of people connecting with him, which means people either feel he is speaking for them or they feel he is not.

If you don’t know me and are choosing to decipher where I am going I need to be super clear—I am a survivor of teen dating violence, it was many years ago, I was 17-19 during that time and my life now in-part revolves around educating students and parents about dating abuse.

I also happen to be an artist of sorts and as a rule, I do not believe in censorship.

I do however believe that when you have the ability to reach millions of people because of who you are- then by default- there is an enormous responsibility that accompanies that privilege.

While away on vacation this summer there was a period where I was blissfully unplugged from the Internet; you got it—no email, no Facebook, Twitter, or YouTube. Unbeknownst to me there was a buzz percolating over the wires about the song Love the Way You Lie, a song cut from the album called Recovery by Eminem. More to the point the video—was causing an enormous outcry. I was oblivious.

Ironically during this Internet blackout period I was humming the controversial song almost non-stop—all the while clueless of the messages that were woven into this highly evocative tune. Embarrassed as I may be to admit this, I also didn’t realize that the voice I was emulating, and not well I should add, was Rihanna’s. The line I had committed to memory was “Just gonna stand there and watch me burn…hmmm hmmm hmmm….”

Fast forward we returned from vacation and if you had been a fly on the wall you would have spied me crawling under my desk and plugging my surge protector back into the wall and pushing the button of my computer “ON”.

I had not checked my Facebook or Twitter for a while…in fact based on my Twitter feed, 7/31^st at 1:36 PM, was my last tweet until this one:

Back on the grid…and so much to catch up on..thanks to @shapingyouth @pigtailpals for a few clues in my inbox. Island life was so GR8…. 9:19 AM Aug 14th via web.

Clue # 1: There was a Facebook message dated 8/6 from my friend Melissa it included the following:

If you haven’t yet seen it, I would love for you to comment on the Rihanna/Eminem video for “Love the Way You Lie”. Warning – it may have some triggers for you.

Melissa had written her first response to Love the Way You Lie on Jessica Lawrence’s Blog, and later posted her own thorough response on her Pigtail Pals Blog. Candidly I say “bravo” to every word both Melissa and Jessica wrote.

I sucked in my breath. I wasn’t ready to feel triggered—I was still basking in the rapidly disappearing vacation chill mode.

Clue #2: My friend Amy had written a piece on her Shaping Youth Blog –also a poignant piece and she referenced my book, Tornado Warning, and clearly stated that she was not reaching out to me for comment because I was on vacation (thank you Amy). I say “bravo” to every word written there as well.

Chandler and Me at the Beach

And then there is my daughter…

The day I watched the video, and as little as an hour after I left my computer and the video behind, while standing in the kitchen my daughter’s cell phone text message notification rang…the ring tone song hit me between the eyes like a sledge hammer. After she read her message I looked at her and said:

“Do you have any idea what that song is about?”

“Yup.”

“Humor me…what is it about?” I ignored the rolling of the eyes and listened to her impatiently tell me…

“A guy who beats up his girlfriend.”

“…and you think what about that…”

“MOM…it’s just a song…and I LIKE the song!” clearly she was defensive.

“I didn’t ask whether you liked the song, I asked what you think about the message Chandler.”

“Oh my God Mom…sometimes you are SO serious…it’s JUST a song!”

And therein lies one of the problems. My daughters’ words cut me like a knife. “It’s just a song.” I also realized I was wrestling with my own guilt…had I not hummed the song OBLIVIOUS of the messages it carried while happily on vacation? She actually knew the words…but did she understand them?

“Mom…this may be about your experience but it’s not about mine! For me it’s just a song!” (Ouch)

“OK, let’s assume you are right Chandler and it’s “JUST” a song…I still feel compelled to ask you, what do you think about the messages wrapped into it and in particular the last line of the song?”

“You know I don’t agree with it Mom. And the last line? How he’s going to tie her to the bed and burn the house down?”

“Yes. That. Line.” My own patience was unraveling along with hers and my internal voices were competing with the conversation because I felt like screaming at the top of my lungs: ”HOLY CRAP! We are raising a completely desensitized generation of children and I am part of the problem!!!”

But I didn’t, instead I listened.

“Mom, the guy is deranged—he’s clearly a jerk if that’s what he really feels…but I STILL like the song. Seriously, I don’t think anyone hitting anyone or threatening anyone is OK—you know that! But the song is great and it’s not confusing me or making me see violence in a relationship as OK…so what’s the big deal?”

“The big deal is it’s my job to ask questions and understand the affect of what you listen to has—the song glamorizes violence, it all but states that tortured love is “real love” or that it is “sexy to be needed/wanted”–to make matters worse Rihanna is singing about how “that’s alright” that’s the big deal. Does that make any sense?”

“Sure. Look Mom…I love lots of music—I don’t rely on the words of songs to teach me life lessons, OK?”

“Hm. I am listening Chandler…I still have my issues about it.”

“But YOUR issues—are not mine.”

“True, they are not one and the same. OK Chandler I am going to accept what you say at face value but I want to be clear that I may have more questions for you about this…I have seen the video and I am baffled by Rihanna’s role in the whole thing. It just isn’t sitting well with me on any level. She stated on national television that she felt responsible for how girls viewed her relationship with Chris Brown. I can’t help wonder where she feels her responsibility is now…”

“She did?” she’s staring at me now.

“Yes, she did. She was interviewed by a woman named Diane Sawyer months ago about her relationship and breakup with Chris Brown, at the time I felt very connected to her….but her role in the song and the video have left me confused and disappointed.”

“She actually said she felt responsible for girls?” she’s still staring at me.

“I need to look at the interview again Chandler but yes…if memory serves that was what she said.”

(more about Rihanna in Part 2)

To say I was triggered by the video would be a gross understatement. I was raised in an era where songs were deconstructed and meaning was sought…I am not desensitized on any level when I actually read the words, in fact the opposite is true I feel it at a visceral level. I remember when MTV first aired and music suddenly came to life in a whole new way. And now we have YouTube (which I think is awesome) but with that, videos are adding imagery that I now cannot just forget, it’s there tattooed on my brain and as permanent as the art emblems that cover Eminem in the photo above.

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that’s alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that’s alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

-Eminem

My own abusive relationship ended 28 years ago—and yet what Rihanna and Eminem created together on film rendered me silent, numb, and staring into the finished video which begged for me to re-play it, all while tears streamed down my face.

That was August 17^th and from that moment it has taken me 14 days to wrap my mind around how I feel and what I think…and even now I am sifting as I write. But there is one thing that I am crystal clear about:

There was nothing alright about my pain

I did not like the way it hurt

The countless times I was left sobbing myself to sleep after being physically, mentally and sometimes sexually violated, robbed me of the ability to trust for a very long time…

And last, there was not one part of the lies that I was told that I loved—not one part.

Warning if you have not seen this video and you have been, or are in an abusive relationship it may trigger emotions for you. There are countless ways to get help. There are resources on my website for parents and teens. The telephone number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Part 2: http://www.elinstebbinswaldal.com/category/blog/

Why Can’t We Be Friends?

There is little else I can think of that is more important in my life than being a mother to my three children. There are countless aspects of being a parent that make it a privilege—but the fact that I have the opportunity to guide, support, nurture, and love them for a lifetime is truly beyond measure.

Of course there are times when I have doubts about my parental prowess…doubts that only serve to underscore that I am not a perfect parent. By the way perfect parenting isn’t my goal—but seeking opportunities to teach forgiveness, humility, and respect are ingredients that I feel play integral roles in parenting.

Part of choosing to navigate down the parental highway is understanding that the journey will include beautiful scenery, entrances, exits, detours, unforeseen u-turns, and even sometimes conditions that render one white knuckled, holding on for dear life, and thankful for a rest area.

There is no GPS for getting my children where they need to go—in fact quite the opposite; it is a daily commitment of making sure that when I don’t have the answers, every step possible is taken to find them.

Despite the doubts that rear up when I am in unfamiliar territory, there is one thing that I have been crystal clear about since I held my first baby—my children were not created to add another friend to my friendship bucket. Sure maybe in the future when they reach their own adulthood, but not while they are in their formative years.

push-me-pull-you

Over the course of twenty three years as a mother—I have periodically bumped into people who are friends with their children and more times than not I have observed it as a recipe for confusion of who is who, what is what, and where ones role begins and ends, a push-me-pull-you kind of relationship.

On Monday night ABC Family aired its ninth episode of Huge

Amber waits for her mom to arrive

They did an outstanding job of underscoring how child/parent relationships can be harmful when a parent is so wrapped up in needing a friend that they lose sight of what their child needs most—for them to be a parent.

Its parent’s weekend at Camp Victory and Amber’s mom Teal arrives. Of course we already know from previous episodes that Amber struggles to be heard and that she provides a support to her mother that is more akin to being a friend or a sister than a daughter. And I should add a friend or a sister who is competitive and needy rather than supportive.

The lack of support is best demonstrated in the gift Teal brings Amber—who in case we need to be reminded—is enrolled in a weight loss camp—a box of cookies wrapped inside a shoe box. Really? Who does that? Would you bring an alcoholic drink to a loved one who was on their 11^th step of the 12 step program? No I didn’t think so.

Teal parades around and her behavior begs for attention—she broadcasts personal information to the group, dresses more like a teen than a middle age woman, and makes a spectacle of herself when attending the camp yoga class. Later she manipulates her way into staying in the cabin and the viewer can feel the anxiety mounting in Amber…anxiety that usurps her own personal goals and leads her quite literally down a path she had been trying to get off of.

As I watched the character of Teal I couldn’t help but reflect on the real people that I have known over the years whose narcissistic behavior stood in the way of their child’s emotional needs. Would they see themselves in this character? Perhaps not…but I would venture to guess that their child may identify with what Amber was going through and I am hoping that as next week’s show unfolds Amber will find the courage to face her mom and tell her what she needs and in so doing provide an illustration of coping with a parent who forgets the importance of their responsibility; guide, support, nurture, and love them for a lifetime.

I absolutely love that this show demonstrates real life struggles and triumphs. Life is messy and when we dive in and live huge we are living an authentic life. Thanks to ABC for bringing a taste of real-life to family rooms across America and asking the question–”how do you live huge?”

How Do You Live Huge?

Living Huge for me? Waking up every day knowing that being a mom is one of the best gifts I have ever received.

Thanks to Jess Weiner the show Huge is creating conversations all over about a myriad of issues, for conversation starters use the questions at Talk to Jess